OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
