That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
