I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize