Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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