I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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