youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
