I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
