So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
