You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
