i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
