you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
