I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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