um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to calm my uterus...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
