you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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