omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
