happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love having hate sex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
