A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
