Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize