At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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