at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
