im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
