I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
