My first STD was from a foam party
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I love you. Go after that dick
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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