After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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