I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Actions speak louder than pants.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
