The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
