you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
