U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
