i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
