I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
