My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
