I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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