I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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