She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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