I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
