It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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