Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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