i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
