Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
