i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
