great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
