Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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