i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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