i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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