need another drink. this is the easiest way
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
