Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
