Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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