Sry I called you an 8
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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