I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
