girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
