Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I only lived at night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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