Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
