yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
