So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
