HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
