Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
