I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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