with your own penis?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
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When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
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I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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