There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
