John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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